Back to December
by fairytaledreamer212
Summary: Lily-James oneshot, based on Taylor Swift's song "Back to December." After pushing James away Lily realizes how much she misses him and tries to apologize while having flashbacks of their past. Fluff alert. Please read and review!


**Here's a Lily-James oneshot, to "Back to December" by Taylor Swift**

**I know I jump around in time a lot, hopefully it's not too confusing. My thinking was that at the end of 5th Year, after the lake scene with Snape, Lily and James talked and worked things out, becoming friends. He hung around her house a lot over the summer and they became a couple at the start of 6th Year. He spends Christmas with her and her family, then later on, January-Februaryish, her parents die and she pushes James away. Over the rest of the year and the next summer Lily realizes how stupid she was and when they're in the Head Dorm together at the start of 7th Year, she apologizes. While she's apologizing she has a bunch of flashbacks. Just to give a brief time outline.**

**I hope you like it. It's always nice to know someone is reading my story so _please review_**_**!**_

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_I'm so glad you made time to see me_

_How's life, tell me how's your family_

_I haven't seen them in a while_

(Present – Start of 7th Year)

Lily stood there in the common room of the Heads' dormitory, looking at James. He had been sitting by the fireplace but he stood when she entered. He met her gaze, waiting patiently for her to speak. Her hands shook as she traced patterns on the back of the couch, trying to recall what she had wanted to say.

"How've you been?" Lily asked, her voice shaking. "Did you have a good summer?"

_You've been good, busier then ever_

_We small talk, work and the weather_

_Your guard is up and I know why_

(Present)

"You know," James said unhelpfully with a shrug. "I've been all right. Summer was fine. I spent most of it with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Especially helping Sirius move into his new apartment. Got made Head Boy," he paused, "But, er, you already knew that." He trailed off awkwardly.

_'Cause the last time you saw me _

_Is still burned in the back of your mind_

_You gave me roses and I left them there to die_

(6th Year – End of Winter)

"Lily, where were you last night? I was worried about you," James asked anxiously. He sprang up from his seat upon the couch in the Gryffindor common room to greet Lily as she entered the portrait hole. A better look at her face showed that it was covered in tearstains and her eyes were red from crying. "What happened Lily?" James cried, "Are you okay?"

"Professor Dumbledore needed to see me," Lily asked, her voice cracking. "My… my parents James. They died." Lily broke down crying as James rushed forward to hug her.

"Oh my gosh Lily, I'm so sorry," he whispered in her ear, his hand rubbing circles over her back.

"The… funeral. It's this weekend. Professor Dumbledore is letting me go," Lily sobbed.

"I'll be there," James vowed.

"No," Lily said, pushing herself away from James. "I don't want you there."

"But Lily, I…"

"No James. I said I don't want you there. I don't want you anywhere near me. I want you to leave me alone. I just, I want to be alone!"

James backed away slowly, "Okay Lily… I'll leave you alone. I'll be here waiting when you're ready to talk."

"No James," Lily said, wiping some tears from her cheeks. "You don't get it. I don't want you near me ever again. I can't do this anymore. It's got to end."

"Lily," James breathed, "You can't mean that… You're upset. Why don't you, erm, take some time to think things over. However long it takes, I'll be here for you, waiting."

"I'm sorry James, but I mean it." Lily said, all energy sapped from her as tears continued coursing down her cheeks. "We're over."

"No Lily, please!" James pleaded. "Yesterday, it was our anniversary. I got you roses. They're on the table right there. I love you. Please Lily, you're not yourself. Don't do this. Don't do this to me. Please…"

"I'm sorry," Lily sobbed as she turned and fled from the room.

James collapsed onto the couch, his shoulders sagging in defeat as he buried his face in his hands.

_So this is me swallowing my pride, _

_Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night_

(Present)

"Look, James… About last year. I'm so sorry. I…" Lily trailed off as she took a deep breath, trying to steady her racing heart. "I never meant to hurt you."

_And I'd go back to December all the time_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you _

_Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine_

_I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right and_

_I go back to December all the time_

(Summer between 6th and 7th Year)

Lily lay on her bed crying hysterically. She felt as if her heart would physically break; she knew it had already broken emotionally, into multiple pieces. She'd come home for the summer – what choice did she have? But this was no longer home.

This was a house she and her parents had once lived in. This was a house now owned by her sister, who grudgingly let her in only in honor of their parents' memories. Home was where her parents greeted her with smiles and hugs when she walked in the door. Home was where she had grown up with a loving sister and two wonderful parents. Home was where she had spent countless hours making blissful memories with her parents. This was no longer home.

Hot tears streamed down Lily's cheeks as she tried to muffle her cries into her pillow. She couldn't bear to think of her parents for a second more. Instead her thoughts turned to James…What could have been Lily's one source of comfort, she had driven away in her grief.

She had thought shoving James away would make it easier to cope. Less reminders of how life had been before her parents had died. But no, instead she was left without parents and an incredibly broken heart. She'd always known she was lucky that a guy like James had loved her, but she had never realized just how lucky she was until she had driven him off.

Lily wished she could fix things. She wished she could apologize to James, win him back. Have him there by her side to hold her hand through all the pain. But she no longer deserved him. Not after how she left things… Lily wished she could return to a time of happiness, like last winter when James had come over for Christmas and her parents has still been alive. But those times were gone, just like her parents. Just like James…

_These days I haven't been sleeping_

_Staying up playing back myself leaving_

_When your birthday passed and I didn't call_

(Present)

Lily paused. She had stayed up so many nights, tossing and turning. She kept replaying how she had left James, how she had broken his heart and hers. She had spent so many nights imagining what she would say if she had the chance to apologize, to make things better. Now she finally had the chance and she wanted to make sure she did it right.

_And I think about summer, all the beautiful times_

_I watched you laughing from the passenger side_

(Summer between 5th and 6th Year)

Laughter echoed throughout the car and out the window as the bright warm sun streamed in. The windows were down, allowing a cool breeze to float into the car as it drove down the road. In the driver's seat was Lily's father, the passenger seat held James, and Lily sat in the backseat, laughing with her friend. This was James' first ride in a car and his face held nothing but delight.

He had come to visit her as he had done often during the summer. Lily's father had been about to go shopping and, of course, James was incredibly curious about the car. Like a boy on Christmas morning, once Lily's father had suggested they join him, James wouldn't take no for an answer, so here they were.

Lily thought of all the things they could be doing instead – having a competition to see who could swing higher on the playground near her house, having a water balloon fight in her backyard, or lying on the grass, talking quietly, and picking out shapes in the clouds – all the things they had done throughout the summer. She realized that there was nowhere else in the world she would rather be than right here, right now.

_Realized I loved you in the fall_

(6th Year – Late Fall)

Lily and James sat beside each other on the shore of the lake, heads close together talking quietly. They watched as the sun set across the lake, painting a beautiful array of colors across the sky. Lily shivered as a cold breeze blew towards them. James shrugged off his coat and laid it around her shoulders, taking her hand in his. As Lily laid her head against his chest, a thought flitted across her mind. Lily tensed for a second before she realized how true it was and relaxed.

"What is it Lily?" James asked, his voice low.

"I – I love you James," Lily said quietly as she tilted her head up to allow her sparkling green eyes to meet his deep hazel eyes.

James smiled. Leaning forward, he kissed her gently on the forehead as he wrapped his arms around her. "I love you too Lily. I always have and I always will."

_And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind_

_You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye_

(6th Year – End of Winter)

When Lily first heard the news of her parents' deaths, all she could do was sit in shock. As the message slowly sank in, she succumbed to the waves of pain and loss that crashed over her.

She eventually returned to the Gryffindor common room to find James waiting for her but a sudden overwhelming fear gripped her. James was here now but eventually he too would leave her and she would feel like this all over again. She was already suffering; she might as well get it all over with at once.

As she told him goodbye, she heard his pleas, saw his love for her written all over his face, and saw the pain deep within his eyes. But she knew it was too late to turn back. She needed to do this. She needed the pain to end.

_So this is me swallowing my pride, _

_Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night_

(Present)

"I was scared. I had just lost my parents and I was sure that I would lose you. I didn't want to deal with the pain again; I wanted to get all the pain and suffering over at once. But I was wrong. Instead of a clean break, I've been in pain since then, knowing what I had and lost, knowing how badly I hurt you." Lily spoke slowly, thinking over everything she said and putting as much meaning as possible into her words.

_And I'd go back to December all the time_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you _

_Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine_

_I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and_

_I go back to December all the time_

(6th Year – Christmas)

All the presents were opened and everyone was lounging around relaxing, admiring their gifts. Lily's parents and Petunia were conversing with each other. Lily was curled up on the sofa, cuddled into James' side. His right arm was wrapped around her, his left hand intertwining with hers.

"Merry Christmas Lily," he whispered to her.

"Merry Christmas James," Lily responded softly with a peaceful smile stretched across her face.

_I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right_

(Present)

Lily paused again in her apology, looking at James. His face was blank, unreadable, but his eyes seemed to hold a glimmer of hope. Lily couldn't imagine how she had ever given him up… The way he smiled always seemed to warm her; he was such a gentleman, always holding the door for her. And he was able to read her better than anyone else. Even now he was waiting silently, knowing she had more to say.

_And how you held me in your arms that September night, _

_The first time you ever saw me cry_

(6th Year – September, 1st Night Back)

Lily sat in the Gryffindor common room, staring sadly into the fireplace. She felt a weight drop down beside her and without looking up she knew it was James.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently.

"It's nothing," Lily said quickly, blinking rapidly as her eyes turned glassy.

"It's not nothing," James said. "Something's bothering you."

Lily gave in. "It's Tuney. You saw how she is when you came over this summer."

"Incredibly anti-magic," James recalled. "If I remember correctly, while referring to you and I she managed to fit the word freak into one sentence fourteen times."

Lily stifled a giggle, "Yes, exactly." She sobered, "Before getting on the train she and I got in a fight. Again." Lily furiously swiped at a rouge tear. "It should be nothing; I should be used to this. But part of it is Sev… Ever since my first year, he was always the one who cheered me up after I got in a fight with Petunia. But now, after last year by the lake, well I haven't talked to him. And I don't intend to. But it feels so wrong to not have him around…" Lily trailed off, trying valiantly not to let the tears flow.

James wrapped his arm around Lily. She expected him to start on about how evil Snape was but he surprised her. "It's okay to miss him Lily. I know I never liked him, but there must have been something good about him if he was your best friend. It's only natural to miss him, especially in a time when he was always there for you. As for Petunia, she'll come around eventually. It's okay to miss them Lily; it's okay to be upset."

That's all it took for Lily to lose her composure. She turned her face to bury them in James' robes as she cried, her tears soaking his clothes as he sat there, stroking her hair and rubbing soothing circles on her back.

_Maybe this is wishful thinking _

_Probably mindless dreaming_

_If we loved again I swear I'd love you right_

(Present)

As Lily gazed at James' unruly black hair, his glasses, and his hazel eyes, she knew she would never love another person as much as she loved him. She wished she could take everything back. She wished she could mend their hearts with a wave of her wand. Still, even if things never went back to how they were, Lily was determined to give him the apology he deserved.

_I'd go back in time and change it but I can't_

_So if the chain is on your door, I understand_

(Present)

"I wish I could take it all back; I wish I had never hurt you like that but I did and that can't be changed. So instead I'd like to say I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I would love to try and have things go back to how they were, but I completely understand if you don't feel the same. I'm not sure I even deserve you back, not after how I treated you." As Lily spoke, her gaze shifted from James' face to the floor.

_But this is me swallowing my pride, _

_Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night _

_And I'd go back to December_

_It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you _

_Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and_

_I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and_

_I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and_

_I go back to December all the time_

(Present)

The next thing Lily knew, James was standing in front of her. His hand touched her chin, pulling her face up gently, so that her eyes met his. Lily caught her breath as she looked into the eyes she had been avoiding for too long, since last winter really. Just looking into them reminded her of all their times together, especially that wonderful Christmas.

"Lily," James began, "You silly girl. How could you ever think you don't deserve me? After all you've gone through. As much as I didn't like it, I completely understood when you pushed me away. Have you not listened to anything I've said? That evening you pulled away, I said that I'd be there waiting for you, however long it takes. And I told you that I love you. I always have and I always will."

Lily trembled at his words, her heart racing. "But I still hurt you… I'm so sor-"

James' lips met hers, preventing her from finishing her apology. Lily gave into the kiss, her body relaxing. All her fears and worries and regrets drained from her. She was finally free from all the sorrow she'd been carrying for so long. She felt lighter than she had in months. This moment was better than anything she could ever remember, even last December.

She pulled away, resting her forehead against James'. As she gazed into his steady hazel eyes, her fingers intertwined in his hair, Lily couldn't help the gorgeous smile that spread across her face. James smiled back, overjoyed to finally see a smile spread across her face; it had been too long since she had smiled so radiantly, so carefree.

"I love you James," Lily whispered gently. "Thank you."


End file.
